Dear Secret Messianic Jew (A Letter to the Old Me)

Dear Secret Messianic Jew,

Yeshua. Jesus, as they say. Who would have thought? And as much as I tried to resist it and deny it, it was true.

Now I can see the glimmers of Him in the Torah with Joshua, with Gideon, with Hagar, and in the Spirit-filled writings of David, and in the prophecies of Daniel and Isaiah.

The words He spoke in the New Covenant/B'rit Hadashah carry an undeniable authority that made my heart tremble with an urgency I could not explain. There was something about His words that contained an anointing even our wisest sages, who I still respect, did not possess.

He talked like a Jew and of jewish things but challenged the religious authority in a way only Hashem would and was right. He spoke the truth. And just like our prophets, was killed for it.

What did Isaiah 53 say?

"But He was wounded for our transgressions,

He was bruised for our iniquities;

The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,

And by His stripes we are healed."

And then Micah 5

“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,

Though you are little among the thousands of Judah,

Yet out of you shall come forth to Me

The One to be Ruler in Israel,

Whose goings forth are from of old,

From everlasting.”

And then Isaiah 7

"Therefore the Adonai Himself will give you a sign

Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son,

and shall call His name Immanuel.

And the one that made it all too clear to pretend not to see anymore.

Isaiah 9

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Mighty God?

Mighty God.

It was too much. For years I'd listened to explanations on these verses and suddenly those explanations felt flimsy and convoluted. I was not angry. I was sad and in the distance could hear my life exploding.

These words carried the ring of truth but this truth, carried a cost too great.

This truth meant leaving the only home I had in a world where we are not loved and going into the arms of a people I had no interest in. Christians?

How could our Messiah be embraced by Christians? The disgust and anger I felt was real. I love our people. We have survived Christians, endured Christians and now we share a Messiah and I have to leave everything we know to stand alongside them?

The cost felt too great. I cried many nights. I hid many months. If anyone knew, would they still love me? Would they reject me? No more holidays, no more Shabbat amongst family and community? Instead a new religion with new songs and strangers who I do not understand and who do not understand me.

"But is this not the path our Moshiac walked?" a voice would whisper.

Was he not rejected? Misunderstood? Was he not so often alone, even amongst those who were His friends?

Yeshua said He came to be a sword and He still is. Even as my soul was redeemed, my life was sliced and diced.

When people began to find out, everything I feared did happen. There were Shabbaton I craved going to services and having everything go back to normal, but it could not. I was talked about. I was the other.

In an attempt to find a community, I would go to these new and different services and cried after spending hours with these different people who knew nothing about the ways of my people. In my heart, I rejected them over and over even as I was being rejected.

Suddenly, I had no home.

Then Hashem found me in my dark and quiet place. Yeshua came and sat beside me. He comforted me with songs and illuminated the Tanakh for me in ways I had never seen. He shared secrets of the temple, the holy of holies, about how this had always been His plan how every part of the Torah was a love letter and foreshadowing His arrival, death, resurrection and the world to come.

He showed me how He loves Israel and never left her and how His desire was always for the nations to come alongside us.

Yeshua became the food by which I lived. Where I was sustained by my life, traditions and connections before, He became my sun and moon and stars and I was filled.

I read His word day and night, prayed day and night, studied day and night, especially on Shabbat.

Life was still not easy. It was different.

I found new, humble ways to be a part of my Jewish community through volunteer work. Yeshua served Israel, and I do now as well.

I feel kept at a distance, mistrusted by others, but have come to understand once what Yeshua meant when He said, "Take up your cross and follow me." There are some who are curious. There are those who see and accept me.

It is a different path. You will have to be brave, but the courage comes from Him, not you. He has a plan and will not leave you floating on a broken boat in the dark forever.

Pray. Stay close to Him and have faith. Call upon Yeshua and He will come.

There are many of us who live in secret their whole lives. With His help I was able to not deny Him before men and give up some of the comforts of this life for the promise of the next.

I believe He is the Anointed One, the last sacrificial lamb, and our Kohen Gadol. There are thousands upon thousands of us who do, just like in the times of old. We have always existed since the day He said, "I Am."

I am a Jew who believing in Yeshua, our Jewish Messiah. That makes me no less one.

Trust in Him.

love,

your friend